Communication is the key to all successful relationships. Unfortunately, it's the hardest task you'll have to master. I was a terrible communicator. First of all, I was reticent, to the point of silence, about my wishes and desires. This would build up until an argument broke the dam and out it would pour, at least partially. And the way it came out was often mean-spirited and hurtful. On the other hand, I did not listen well. I cannot multi-task; when I focus on something, everything else around me becomes white noise, easy to ignore. I would find myself well into a conversation without any idea what the gist of it was, because I was focused on something else.

Modern technology (smart phones) and 24-hour connectedness just exacerbated the problem. So I vowed to change. I got into the habit of completely disengaging from whatever task I was doing to focus on what is being said. Now, when my partner(s) speak to me, I put down the phone/book/doohickey. I turn off the car radio. I turn to face my partner (if not driving!). I give my full attention. If my partner is in another room and yells for me, I don't yell back; I get up and move so that we are face to face. I do this even if it should be clear to my partner that this is not a good time for me to talk; I no longer get upset if this happens. If I am truly am busy, I will say so, rather than try to continue what I'm doing and carry on a conversation at the same time. I would say I slip back into my old form rarely. When I do, I usually recognize it quickly and apologize.

My mind still wanders sometime during conversations. I also still have trouble bringing up topics that are important to me, but I know are stressful and difficult to talk about, such as polyamory. But I am trying.